Today I woke feeling some typa way as I battled my insecurities down & tried to work up the courage to text my long lost dad a Happy Father’s Day…
So many thoughts came flooding into my mind’s morning…
“Does he hate me for being voiceful about all of the ways his lacking love has crushed my soul?”
“He doesn’t care that I don’t send him a text because he’s probably being celebrated enormously by the children he’s always loved more than me.”
“How could I celebrate my father while I have witnessed my children feel similarly confusing unworthiness, for believing that they don’t have a grandfather to sit around and tell them stereotypical grandpa stories of “back in my day, barefoot walking, uphill to school”, tales from the past.”
Rather than letting these thoughts defeat my day, I opened my journal & decided to partake in a little Father’s Day forgiving…
I know there are heartbreaks from around the globe waking to a fatherless Father’s Day, so I’m sharing my one sided mending letter here, dedicated to healing hearts worldwide.♥️
We met when I was just a girl, 7 years already into, craving a daddy’s girl label I was never meant to hold.
In my eyes, you were my very favorite stranger to love, one whom I believed, carried abilities to rope the moon.
My poppa was my father figure… but he would never nor; could he ever, be my dad.
I couldn’t interpret the pain then, but listening to my new heart, after years wasted, desperately attempting to stifle the feelings of never enough… I can finally see, touch, smell & hear, all of the many ways you helped me grow, simply by not caring.
It quickly became time to lift face towards the sky, & seek a relationship with the one father who’s been the ONLY father, to have ever taken the time to get to know me….
After years of relationship building with God, I recognize that my disbelief in a father’s undying love, has built AND burned a bridge of faith that took a ton of soulful strategies to rebuild.
Today I celebrate my husband’s fatherhood… Not because he’s a perfect father, but because he cares enough to know that our children, make him better.
I celebrate the two men who are now my guardian angels, because even when they didn’t have to, they loved my broken heart with everything in them & showed me glimpses of a father’s hand, even though I was so loyally committed to such an undeserving love.
I celebrate the father above (in which my trauma has requested a slight name change to relate to) called the universe; because the unspoken council I receive from him on the daily, will never cease to save my life.
I celebrate my blood brother’s fatherhood because holy shiit am I proud of the daddy he is to my niece & nephews… & I celebrate my PTP brothers who teach me every day, that my previously jaded set of mind towards mankind, was judged prematurely & completely misunderstood.
I’ll close this journal entry with nothing but fatherly forgiveness on my heart focus….
I’m too busy finding myself to apologize but I will acknowledge the lessons of un love you gave me & thank you for showing me how to love my littles UNCONDITIONALLY, so that I may NEVER teach them to know unworthiness through my languages of love.
Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there waking every day, to fight for their littlest loves… YOU DA REAL MVP brother! We see & appreciate you so.