Today, my relapse brings about completely different fears than the ones that used to go, bump in the night.

I escaped a 15 year long, drug addiction by the skin of my teeth; with life barely in tact… & I remember the terrifying fear of relapse, in the earlier stages of my recovery, all too well…. 

I was surviving moment to moment… desperately reaching to distract my brain from the haunted memories of, dances with the devil.

Today, there’s not one tales-from-the-crypt, horror short, that could scare me into fearing a substance abuse relapse that would undoubtedly leave me a homeless & childless crack addict, all over again…

Today my relapse fears are related to soul work, lost… relapse fears of my heart & mind, whom have grown so close, distancing again to a point of dissonance… relapse fears of no longer being able to feel this new found, love of my life from within.

Today I know my energy must be spared, & divvied out as wisely as possible because the goals I have are out of this world. So no matter how difficult it may be to do, I’m choosing me, every time.

Folks can think I’m insane from the outside looking in but my why is made up of three shapes from my actual heart, that just so happen to be wandering this world, outside of body, depending on me to show them the way….

Every decision is critical for the someday, days of their wanderings, when I’m no longer here to guide them.

I used to think requesting prayers on social media was ridiculous…. but that was before I recognized the power of prayer.

I woke up & desperately began texting a friend to help me arrange my courage but quickly realized that was the wrong way to approach such a fearful day…

I asked for prayers from my support group, & let faith take the wheel.

Bit the bullet & faced my fearful anxiety, with a pre planned commitment to walk right back in the house, & throw some weights around, rather than sitting on the sofa, nervously picking my lip & cuticles, questioning if I made the right decision.

I slammed in a 40 minute strengthening session & fought my ass off to push through the pain, just a little harder than yesterday.

I finished strong & headed to the shower with a YouTube meditation blaring through the speaker…. one to heal the relationship trauma that’s made a habit of repeatedly trip me up on, every given Sunday.

Today I have been sitting with this God I’m so awkwardly unfamiliar with… I humbly apologized for only ever crying out to him during moments of excruciating & held tight, to the faith that he has already forgiven me.

I get to do that today, with prayers in my children’s name, being whispered to the heavens, from all different corners of the world.


Thank you for your prayers & strength sent… I appreciate them so very much.
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